Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one that’s more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500."

"I’ll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you’d think for $500 they’d iron the damn thing."

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I’ll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma’am," the officer replies, "you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

Dear Bertha,

I lack the bravery and endurance requesite to face you with my feelings, so I am writing this letter to you in the hopes that you can read it.

I remember the first time I saw you. I don’t know if I was attracted to you because of your radiant personality, your sunny disposition, or your gravitational pull. All I know is that once I got close to you, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t leave.

And I think back to some of the trials and tribulations in our relationship. Like that time you tried on that thong bikinni you said you would look terrible in. I’m truely impressd by the bravery it took to even try it in light of how right you were.

And I know it makes you uncomfortable that I sometimes hang out with your ex, but your cousin and I hardly ever discuss you and when we do, it is always positive.

Every day while I am working in the sewage treatment plant, all I can think of is you. When I found that ring I gave to you floating through, I knew it must have been divine intervention that had kept us together so long.

When I talk to my friends about you, they all agree, you’re "a whole lot of woman." I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".

"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.

She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much".

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either".

"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said

"he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second

hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?"

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse

My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption

Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys

Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard

Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive

Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

Other features:

OK = ats aww-right

cancel = hail no

reset = awa shoot

yes D shore

no = naaaaa

find = hunt-fer it

go to = over yonder

help = hep me out here

stop = ternit off

start = crank it up

settings = sittins

programs = stuff at does stuff

documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:

tiperiter = a word processor

colering book = a graphics program

addin mershene = calculator

scratch paper = notepad

jupe-box = CD player

inner-net = microsoft explorer

pichers = a graphics viewer

IRS = M/S accounting software

IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files

coon dog = American Kennel Club records

fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records

NRA = National Rifle Association

shot gun = Remington arms price list

riffel = Winchester price list

pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list

truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code

house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code

car = same as truck

cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)

tax records = usually an empty file

shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)

bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code

racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry

the races

car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code

doc = vetrinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version.

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the ‘Bible Belt,’ there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded ‘Klu Klux Klan.’ This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A hunter was in a tree with his gun & sees a bear coming down the path. He takes careful aim & fires. Smoke clears and he pears down the path. No bear! The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder; looks behind him & sees the bear. "Were you trying to kill me?", the bear growls. "No,no, of course not!". " I don’t believe you", responded the bear. He then screws the hell out of him.

The next day the hunter brings his AR-15 revolver. He climbed up the same tree & waited. The bear appears & he lets a dozen rounds fly. The smoke clearsno bear! TAP,TAP. " Just target shooting?", says the bear. "Uh, well", the hunter replied. Without waiting another second the bear throws him over a log and screws the hell out of him.

--------------------

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple’s new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works!

Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems.

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.

"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.

At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards penis is hanging out of his trousers.

The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you’re exposing yourself? "

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany.

Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom isle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies:

"Well you see the 3 pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "Well, what’s the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "That’s for when you’re in college, son. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father, "What’s the 12 pack for?"

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the

drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was

just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man

crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I

overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police,

they

said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid

the cab

driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home

and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say

it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of

copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that

the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They

ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they

found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits

35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters

underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective,

Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he

was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was

waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a

taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about

to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: "Where

can I take you, Mr. Doyle?''

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by

sight. The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled

Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver

replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in

Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles

always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The

ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.

Your

clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of

information, Ideduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle said: "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to

my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing,'' the driver said.

"What is that?''

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on

his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming

as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with

Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,

shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump

through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul

made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the

balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

MELVIN DURAI'S HUMOR COLUMN

"ARRANGED MARRIAGES TEND TO LAST"

Ever since I turned 30, my mom's vocabulary

seems to have gradually shrunk. It now consists

of only about five words, usually arranged to

form this question: "When are you getting married?"

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard the

question, I'd be able to afford a mail-order bride.

Maybe even one who can speak English.

My mom and others ask the marriage question so

often, I'm tempted to tattoo the answer on my

forehead: "I'm a journalist, not a psychic."

But if I did that, my mom and I would never talk.

She'd just look at my forehead and shake her

head. And her expression would say: "Where

did I go wrong with this child?"

Sometimes, just for fun, I feel like scaring my

mom by saying I won't get married until one of

these things happen:

---Ken Starr completes his investigation.

---Ross Perot produces a chart-topping rap

song. "My name is Ross, just call me boss.

When I become your president, the interns will

be more hesitant."

---Ellen Degeneres and Elton John fall madly in

love -- with each other.

---A pair of Amish men are arrested for selling

drugs. (OK, this already happened. But I still

don't believe it.)

It's not that I don't believe in marriage. I just

believe it should involve two people who love

each other so much, they're willing to risk

living together.

It's certainly a big risk. If the marriage goes sour,

you can lose some of your most prized

possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.

But I could be wrong about the importance of

love. After all, millions of people in my native

country, India, believe in arranged marriages,

even though such marriages sometimes produce

children like me.

The families of the bride and groom usually do

the arranging, uniting two people who hardly

know each other. The honeymoon is like a first

date, except you're certain to get past first base.

To many Americans, an arranged marriage may

seem more like a deranged marriage. But such

marriages tend to last. Divorces in India are as

rare as hamburger joints.

Like me, most Americans believe in falling in love

before marriage. Many even believe in falling in

bed before marriage. The only mystery left for the

honeymoon is whether the hotel accepts

American Express.

Considering the soaring divorce rate, such

marriages are more suspect than O.J. Simpson.

So maybe David Weinlick has the right idea. About

four years ago, the Minnesota man got tired of

people asking when he was going to get married.

So he just gave them a stock answer:

June 13, 1998. He even planned the entire wedding,

the first man ever to do so. But an essential part of

the wedding was missing. No, not the wine -- the

bride.

Weinlick, 28, decided to let his friends pick his bride,

after they interviewed a couple of dozen women

in several states, including the state of desperation.

He married the bride-elect, Elizabeth Runze,

before 2,000 shoppers at the Mall of America.

And he was all smiles afterward. That could mean

the wedding was a big success. Or perhaps

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest."

"Don’t worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!"

"Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!"

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground

rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth

operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his

inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and

was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after

tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on

inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three

bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of

glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of

what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.

The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once

again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and

once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.

Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general

direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more

he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker

with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target

anfd inspecting it closely.

"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!

Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent

68-piece set of glassware"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance

of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he

passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next

morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and

he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.

Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole

orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems

unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be

drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could

be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an

excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be

rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be

possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage

that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant

passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours

to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his

musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have

stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given

attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not

always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible,

are still the facts ...

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you

for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a

fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert

after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every

night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice

cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's

also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my

trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy

vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't

start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just

fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter

how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not

start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get

any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter,

but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised

to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine

neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time,

so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It

was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came

back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the

man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got

strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla.

The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this

man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore,

to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the

problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down

all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back

and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy

vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of

the store.

Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at

the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were

kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took

considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start

when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the

vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:

vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to

get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to

start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the

Son of Oxymorons.

50. Chicken fajitas

49. Government assistance

48. Net security

47. Jump start

46. Film critic

45. Marriage councellor

44. Sex Education

43. Golf fashion

42. Sleeper hit

41. Word Perfect

40. Artificial intelligence

39. Religious Right

38. Post Modern

37. German Food

36. Bug Fix

35. Near miss

34. Republican Party

33. Legal ethics

32. Postal service

31. Jumbo shrimp

30. Beaucractic efficiencies

29. Half naked

28. Freezer burn

27. Old news

26. White chocolate

25. Working vacation

24. Loose tights

23. Original copy

22. Recorded live (version of #20. Taped live)

21. Dull roar

20. Plastic silverware

19. Fresh frozen

18. Service station

17. Common courtesy

16. Foolproof instructions

15. Moral majority

14. Deficit spending

13. Social security

12. Half full

11. Exxon cleanup

10. Compassionate management

9. Truthful tabloids

8. Reagan memoirs

7. Holy war

6. Clean coal

5. Friendly fire

4. Professional wrestling

3. Soviet Union

2. Job security

and the absolute, #1 oxymoron:

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road,

when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed

into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing

what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded

to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed

bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then

asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer

replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know